QUESTION

My boss is asking everyone to provide feedback on her. I'm really uncomfortable as there are a lot of things i don't like about the things she does but i'm scared if i'm honest she'll take it out on me later. What should i do?

Scared

THOUGHTS

Dear Scared, 

Not a fun position to be in is it. Let's look at the process first.  Do you know how the feedback will be provided and how many people are being asked? hopefully it will be anonymous . If the process doesn't require your name but it is a small group responding, the first tip is to be very careful in the wording you use and any examples you give so they can't easily point to you.

The thing to keep in mind is that this is feedback to HELP your boss - not a chance to dump or vent. so think about how you frame your answers as suggestions of what you WOULD like to see not what you hate now.

If it is verbal and face to face the same principle applies. the biggest risk for retaliation is she feels cornered and humiliated. So try some of the following

"something that would really help me is......."

"i love it when you ...... and it would be great if you could do it more often"

If you really need to let her know there is something she does that you hate then phrase it in terms of how it makes you feel

"When you .......i feel really uncomfortable "

"I never know what to do when you....."

Try finishing with thanks to her for being so open to ask for this feedback and how you have valued the opportunity to share some of your thoughts. 

With these strategies, providing feedback can be a at worst a non damaging experience and at best a real step forward for you both

Good luck!

Question
I've just moved into a management role but constantly feel frustrated by all the administration i have to do and politics that i seem to have to deal with -. I no longer get to do all the things i loved about my last job - help!! [Frustrated!]
Answer
Dear frustrated, 
firstly, have a think about why you took on this new more senior role. Was it because you really wanted to move into management or was it that it seemed like the next step you had to take  -  for prestige or money [both very valid motives but which need a different solution!] 
If you really wanted the move to  management, then the time has come to understand what the business and people leadership responsibilities are that go with the  title.  Talk to another manager / get a mentor or coach who can help you understand this better.
If what you are hearing continues to excite you, the next  step is to develop your skills .there are lots of great management programmes out there - your company may even offer one. you will know you are on the right track to a fulfilling career.
IF, however, what you are hearing gives you that sinking feeling, the time has come to work out an alternative which meets all your other needs. A recruitment  agency might be able to help you here as well as a good coach
Bottom line : continuing to go to work every day in a  job that is frustrating you can only lead to the sort of stress that causes sickness, exhaustion and even family breakdowns.
 You are worth more than that!!
D

Inappropriate behaviour

Question
I work in an office where the most senior manager makes me very uncomfortable with her behaviour. She will ring me and swear about other staff members calling them and F***ing C*** etc. I am not  a prude but think this is totally unacceptable. How do i tell her this without risking my own job and have her talking about me this way to others?
Thoughts
firstly reflect on what is the real source of your discomfort : is it the swearing or the fact she is being insulting about other staff members , fear she is speaking this way about you or all of these. How have you reacted so far when she does this? do you think she is aware that that this is inappropriate and  just doesn't care or is it so much part of her personality she is oblivious. The answers to these questions will determine how to deal with the situation. Let's look at the options.

• Do nothing : if you choose this option you are saying you accept this behaviour and others will also see you accepting this
• Complain to others: We know this achieves nothing except to have you seen as unwilling to confront bad behaviour and indeed, be seen as also talking about another behind her back
• Talk to her boss: While this might become a fall back position, the first thing you will be asked is if you have spoken to her directly. there will also be the danger of being seen as "buck passing" rather than attempting to deal with problems yourself
• Talk with her: this is where having a clear understanding of what the issue is you want her to change is critical. firstly think through what would motivate her to change - just telling her she shouldn't do it usually won't get you there. Once you've identified the motivators,then choose the appropriate setting and timing - in public or when she is rushing to a meeting will ensure a failed conversation. Start by explaining how her behaviour affects YOU. Personalising this steps away from an accusatory tone which will automatically cause a feeling of anger. Then talk about what you WOULD like to see so you keep the conversation on positives not negatives. the next step in the conversation will, of course , be determined by her reaction. Remember: you can't change her reaction but you CAN control your own. If the conversation goes sour and her reaction is undesirable , then don't continue to engage. Extricate yourself and then contemplate going to option 3 : talking with her boss. Again this will need to be couched in terms of how it is impacting on you. BE very aware of not stooping to her level or being perceived as merely whinging about another staff member. 

Most often she will stop the behaviour, at least with you, even if she doesn't fundamentally change.

At least you will not have to face this behaviour and may have even saved her career !

Now, over to the rest of you. Have you faced this situation? How did you handle it? What advice to you have to give this person?

I'm really looking forward to hearing your thoughts

D

Your personal support!

More and more in today's busy world, we  try to juggle every aspect of our lives - work / home / family / health / me time / exercise   etc etc.
We are all seeking to DAER : to find / maintain
Our Direction : goals - plans  - vision
Our Alignment :  focusing what we do to deliver our goals : keeping our eye on the prize
Our Engagement: keeping the passion, energy and fire which can so easily be swamped by the challenges we face

WHY????

to

Get the Results each of us has decided will make us happy / satisfied / fulfilled.

so why bother reading and contributing to this blog? There are literally thousands of these you can tap into so why am i bothering to add yet another one?

Every day as i work with my clients, talk to colleagues and chat with people generally, i am posed questions which are bothering people and blocking them from truly DAERing.

So I am creating this forum where people can pose these questions, i can provide initial support by offering suggestions and you can all also offer your thoughts -  true peer coaching!

how can you be part of this?

1. Post questions either on this site or on my twitter account #daertolead 
2. read the blog and see try out some of the suggestions
3. Post comments to add to the conversation and provide food for thought for the person who posed the question initially

Let's help each other to DAER!

D